Today marks two months (by date) since I discovered I was pregnant. I can't believe it's only been 2 months, with everything that's happened. I feel like I've lived a year in the last two months. It's also been two months since I quit smoking. I've been so tempted to fall on my old comforting "friend", but I've managed to hold off so far, even with the social gathering that happened last weekend.
This past Saturday my friends hosted a "Wacky Movie Night" so I decided to get out of the house for my first real social outing post m/c. I was surprised when I got there, because other than the hosts, I only knew two people there. My social group has been very enclosed for years, so seeing new people is jolting. Not bad, just totally unexpected at a type of gathering that is usually the old gang. Can you guess what was one of the first things I saw? The hugely pregnant belly of one the women I didn't know. On the outside, I made nice, shook hands with Belly Girl and smiled, and all that jazz. On the inside, I was screaming and freaking out like Daffy Duck on smack.
I still don't completely get it. My friend Lila (more on her later!) is due any minute now, and her pregnant belly doesn't bother me in the slightest. But seeing this pregnant stranger? Oh. My. God. I made a crafty strategic move: I claimed a seat close to the TV, so that I wouldn't be able to actually see Belly Girl once everyone sat down. And whenever she walked by me to get to the kitchen, I suddenly took an extreme interest in the floor, the candy bowl on the table, my shoe, anything to avoid actually looking at her.
I know that Lila doesn't bother me because I know and love her, and she is one of my oldest friends. I cannot wait for her son to be born. I think her pregnant belly is a thing of beauty. But Belly Girl at movie night? Threw me for a loop. The best rationalization I've been able to come up with is that subconsciously I was considering my friends' house a "safe" zone for my first outing, but then my safety was gone as I was immediately faced with Belly Girl exactly one week after my miscarriage. I didn't like myself very much that night, but I did what I had to do to cope.
Somehow, though, I still did NOT smoke. Yay me!
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5 comments:
Stranger pregnancies always bothered me more than people I cared about. I think it's true for most of us because all you know about that person is "they have what I don't" - there's nothing else to alter the feelings.
I'm impressed that you've been able to stay away from the cigarettes and am sending you strength to keep it up.
Hang in there and keep taking care of yourself.
I think that your reaction is pretty typical. You knew that your friend was pregnant before you were pregnant and you have a different reaction to it but to see someone just randomly is totally different.
WTG on not smoking!
Take care of you!
yay for you not smoking!!! I think I would have been thrown by belly girl too had I been in your shoes.
i have 3 people at work pregnant and i interact with them daily. one of them sort of bothers me, but she's the one i know the least. commericials and strangers are much worse. thanks for your kindness. i'm glad to have discovered your blog.
I have the same response as you. Although I have to add that people I know but DO NOT LIKE definitely make me feel the same way as a stranger. Well.. except with some added hatred thrown in. ugh.
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