I went in this morning to get my beta checked, and the nurse called about a half-hour ago with my results. My beta is already down to 135. My beta went from 3,535 down to 135 in just six days. Since my level is going down very nicely, I go back in two weeks for another check.
My head is all over the place. Part of me feels like I can't give up now, that I have proof that my body can get pregnant; that I could still have a chance to try to have a child. Sure, it took about 70 years for me to get pregnant, but it happened, right? That means it could happen again if I don't give up out of despair.
Then there's the other part of me that thinks that I might lose my effing mind if this happened to me again, if I got pregnant and had another miscarriage. I already feel guilty for my theoretical-future-pregnancy, wherein I'm sure I will feel detached for most of the pregnancy, not allowing myself to bond out of a fear that it too will end prematurely.
If there's anything positive happening right this moment, it's that I've not taken solace in alcohol or smoking. I've neither gone on a bender, nor picked up the ciggy habit again. Although I'll admit, my stress levels right now make me really want to smoke. I think about smoking a lot. But I'm trying to keep it going, the whole not-smoking thing. I have a feeling I might relapse this weekend, which will be my first social gathering/outing with close friends. Keep your fingers crossed for me. It's really sad, that I can so easily, almost effortlessly, not-smoke for a baby's health, but have so much trouble not-smoking for my own health. I'm sure there's something deep there, but I don't really want to open up that barrel of trouble right now.
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9 comments:
Smoking is one of those really difficult things to give up. I have several people I have seen try over and over again to give it up. Good luck leaving it alone. I'll send positive thoughts your way.
I'll send lots of clean oxygen vibes to you this weekend. Hang in there and be gentle with yourself.
Smoking was my best friend for awhile... almost smoke free now 2 yrs in June. You can stay that way... you can do it... but I understand craving them especially during a sad time... like I said... my best friend. As far as your emotions about it happening again... I hear you. I thought the same thing -- one more time and I'd be committed in a facility... glad though that your betas are going down so fast. Thats a GREAT thing in my book... I'm still pretty mad this has happened to you -- totally not right but onward to the future... healing and all that... hugs and more hugs
I picked up smoking again after my first m/c. I needed it to keep my sanity, literally, to be honest, and even then I lost it pretty bad. I quit as soon as I got pregnant again.
I was lucky I took 3 periods off and got pregnant the first try back.
I know you will feel detached and scared with another pregnancy but I can also say that you get through it. I also felt great when I could feel him moving in me starting around 18 weeks or so.
I, OF COURSE, cannot begin to say what you should do, but as a SMC who did go through a m/c before I got my son I can say it is sooo worth every second of pain and hurt and such a fanfuckingtastic experience that I want for you so much. It is by far and above the greatest thing I have or will ever do.
I do hope you do what is in your heart.
Much much love.
Kim, for some reason I was having trouble posting the other day - the dang word verification thing wasn't showing up. Anyway, I wanted to say how very very sorry I am. It's just so unfair.
You've done amazingly well not turning to smoking or drinking to get through everything, so I hope you can keep it up. I'm thinking of you lots and wishing life wasn't so effing sucky. Be good to yourself this weekend.
Hi Kim,
I heard about your tragedy from Taina on Loungeplace. Text can't give expression to the hugs I want to give you!
Nikki (Rythlynx)
I have been thinking of you.
sending lots of love.
xo
Hugs and strength to you.
I read about your loss after you posted on my dp's blog about ours. I wish you peace and strength through this..I hope it gets easier for all of us as time goes by.
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