July: the month of hell

My doctor's visit Thursday did not go well. The change in my meds that they were trying not only didn't improve my BP, but it made it worse. Another change, another two weeks, here we go again. I just keep having the macabre thought that hopefully I won't die before the next appointment.

No, I'm not exactly Miss Mary Sunshine these days. Not only do I have the stress of uncontrolled BP (again), but it's July, what would have been my due month. I keep thinking that right now, I'm supposed have an huge baby-belly, be cranky yet excited, and have swollen ankles for an entirely different reason. I'm supposed to be getting ready to bring a baby home at the end of the month, not getting ready to ovulate then.

And even though I cancelled all my diaper, formula, etc. website memberships, I still occasionally get baby coupons and things in the mail. But the last week? It's really ramped up, I guess since it's my due month. I've gotten coupons galore, free diaper bag offers, diaper samples, and two-- count 'em, two-- big cans of formula. As if my head wasn't messed up enough.

Ever since the calendar read "July", I've been back to the emotional tentativeness of this past bleak January, where a look or a word can send me off the deep end. Practically everyday has seen crying jags so violent that I nearly convulse with the pain and anger of it. Anger at myself, my doctor, at God, at the universe, I don't know. It's like my emotional-healing clock has been completely reset, and I'm back to ground zero, just dealing with this for the first time.

There's one group on FF with whom I've been friends for years now. So much so, that we're running away and setting up shop on a new site that one of the ladies is creating (which of course, I will plug shamelessly once it's out of beta testing). But I had already kinda deserted the FF group, because of the newer girls (as in, she joined our long-standing group about, oh, two months before she got pregnant) on there got pregnant almost at the same instant I did. Seriously, our due dates are/were 3 days apart. T-h-r-e-e d-a-y-s.

Do you have any idea of how much just seeing her pregnancy ticker seems to mock me? How jealous I feel everytime she writes about a doctor's appointment, an ultrasound, feeling her baby kick? Knowing that I was supposed to be at the exact same phase of pregnancy? It got to the point where I just didn't go to the buddy group much anymore. It's selfish, true, but it's also an act of self-preservation. I just can't handle it right now.

Oh, and just to put a cherry on top of the sundae, my 20 year old cousin has gotten his (also) 20 year old girlfriend pregnant. Completely by accident, of course. She's about 4 months along I think, but they waited to announce it because "it wasn't the right time". Independence Day is one of our family gathering days, so here I am trying to play nice to this pregnant 20 year old, when all I want to is slap her first for being stupid, then be incredibly jealous because she gets to have a baby. My Dark Side is slightly pleased because she is white, and my cousin's grandmother is the main one in our family who has color issues. It will make for interesting family gossip, to be sure, and at least it won't be about me for a change.

And what they really meant about "it wasn't the right time" to reveal the pregnancy is that they were letting things cool down from the fallout of another 20/21 year old cousin who accidentally got his girlfriend pregnant, and didn't tell the family until the day the baby was born, which was the day before Mother's Day. Can you imagine finding out that your son/grandson/nephew/cousin was becoming a father, but didn't bother to tell anyone until the freaking baby was born?!? It is just Not Done. It makes me so proud, to have my family fulfilling every negative stereotype imaginable right now. Multiple unplanned pregnancies by young people, wigger girlfriends, fights where men get put out of the house and they go home to momma. Ahhh, yes, I believe the children are our future, all right.