Positive hpt on 11/23 at 16dpo!

There's all kinds of stuff I need to write about this, but here's the simple skinny: I am most likely pregnant, and I am happy.

I got a positive home pregnancy test last Friday, and have been processing this massive information for the last 4 days since then. I'm finally able to write about what's been happening in my head. It isn't all pretty, and parts of it will severely piss off most TTCers. You've been warned.

Thanksgiving/Thursday: I'm in throes of what feels like PMS- cramps, sore boobs, slightly cranky. Expecting my period any second. Feeling a little depressed, since this was most likely going to be my last cycle TTC, and I could tell my period was coming. I'd decided a long time ago to stop at the end of 2007, and well, it was about that time.

In what was probably self-defense thing, I'd been convincing myself for several weeks that I not only could have a happy life without children, but that I would now PREFER not to have children. So it was just fine with me that my period was coming. This whole TTC journey was about to be over, and I could move on with the rest of my life.

Friday: My basal temperature is still pretty high, and I didn't have my period. I decided to take a hpt for shits and giggles. It was actually positive. I was completely numb and unbelieving. I couldn't believe that on a completely natural cycle, I was seeing a positive hpt. That, just when I'd decided to be happy about being childless, I was seeing a positive hpt. Numb and mostly speechless for the day.

However, just in case this is all real and not just a dream, I did what I always said I'd do: as soon as I saw the positive hpt, I put down my cigarettes. I can choose to smoke and harm myself, but it's not fair to make that choice for someone who can't speak up for themselves!

Saturday & Sunday: I spent hours weighing the pros and cons, and examining how I honestly felt. At this point, if a pregnancy is confirmed by my doc, I am not sure what I will do. The numbness has worn away, and I am now simply panicked and paranoid. Probably didn't help that I'd now been nicotine-free for 24-48 hours, and was more than likely suffering from some withdrawal issues. I am a serious smoker at more than a pack a day. I say "am" instead of "was" because I believe that I will always be a smoker, even if I don't smoke for ten years. It'll always be there. I have never, ever, been this freaked out in all my life. Never.

Monday: I have now recovered my right mind, and know that I will have my child if I am pregnant. Am totally aghast that any other alternative ever crossed my mind, even in the midst of the largest panic attack of my life. But I know that I am human, and I've learned to forgive myself for bad thoughts. It's harder to forgive bad deeds, but I'm not so catholic that I'm going to continually bash myself for thoughts.

Tuesday: I've just gotten home from getting blood draw to check my hCG beta level, but won't know the results until tomorrow. NOW I know that you have to be at the lab before 9am to get your results the same day.

I drove home smiling and happy, full of joy that I am PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise). I'm still scared, because the rest of my life is a bit shit right now, but I'll work it out. With some elbow grease, help from loved ones, and perhaps a miracle or two, I think everything will be okay.