I had the most remarkable experience tonight. I was reminded that I am not alone in the world, that I am loved, and that there are people who want me to be happy. That sounds simple, but it was immensely profound.
You see, I've always preferred the idea of using a known donor, despite the possible legal ramifications. I like the idea of knowing the person whose genetic code is half the make-up of my child, knowing their personality, knowing their personal history first hand. And, I had a donor, but he has disqualified himself by going and dipping his cup in an unsanitary pond, and coming up with the ick. That is, herpes. And while I don't have anything against people suffering from that virus, I certainly didn't plan on using donor sperm from someone known to have herpes!
"Yes, doctor, I'd like you to use the same speculum you used on the previous patient." Yeah, ewwww. Same thing to me.
Anyway, my two best friends in the entire world, a married couple, completely surprised me tonight by offering hubby's semen to further my quest for motherhood. I was completely taken by surprise. They already have one child, and he has made it perfectly clear that he doesn't want anymore. So that fact, plus that they are my best friends/siblings separated at birth/family, made me certain that this was never an option. I was so mistaken.
Don't get me wrong; this isn't a desperation move. Back when I was first starting this journey, he was honestly one of the first people I thought of. But I thought that all the reasons stated above would make it an impossible situation, so I crossed him off the list right away. I mean, we literally refer to one another as siblings, despite the obvious difference of our skin color, so I never thought he'd be amenable to the idea.
Tonight, though, without ANY prompting, hinting, or anything from me, the offer was made. I cannot even begin to describe what an awe-inspiring moment it was, that this couple was willing to help me realize a dream, to create life and love. That the offer was made out of pure love, with no ulterior motive or thought of gain.
Tonight, I was shown once again that the bonds of love and family, even if not by blood, are strong and real. Every now and then, with my weird self-doubt and insecurities, I have to be reminded. Even if, later down the road, it gets too weird and doesn't work out, I will never forget the selflessness they showed, and will cherish this night as a golden memory. An autumn night, sitting on a patio, drinking pinot grigio and smoking too many cigarettes, and a perfect moment of perfect love.
3 comments:
that is some S-H-I-T!! your potential donor situation sounds great. it dosn't have o be too good to be true. sounds like you might be coming full-circle on an idea you already had, even if they didn't know you had that idea.
after i read charlotte's blog for the first time, i was all, "Duh." Why don't we donate the sperm? I had been pimping for them. I even asked my fabulous, although sadistic, fitball instructor. Then it dawned on me that we could give them what they really want, i.e. a known donor.
We were considering when i was last pregnant but then when we had ANOTHER disaster, we stopped considering. Now that I am not pregnant seems like the right time. Before it was like, "Well we're having a baby so why not share the wealth." Now it's like, "I have no f*cking idea what the hell is going to happen so why not share the wealth anyway?" Not sure if that makes sense.
Anyway, I wonder if people think it's weird when i post a comment about their post but then my comment becomes about me. How the f*ck else are we going to get to know each other?
Thanks for your really thoughtful comment on my recent post. I would never think a comment is too long! That sort of feels better to me than something short, although i like that too.
Regarding your mom situation, a piece of assvice: Be kind to yourself about your unpleasant thoughts about your mom. That is a huge burden on you! And when you become a parent you might resent it even more beacuse then you'll have even more people to care for. That's some heavy shit.
I sort of want to call my parents up and subtly inquire about whether or not they are provided for themselves in the even that they become unable to care for themselves. I sure don't want to do it especially with mom-we don't eevn get along.
I must be the ungrateful brat that she always said I was. There, I just did what I suggested that you don't do. Mayybe it's just simpler to deal with our feelings if we don't also have to contend with the feelings about the feelings, e.g. feeling resentful about feeling guilty.
I am so happy for you!
And my donor's wife just left the comment above mine! Howabout that. I think it absolutely can work out, and it is so much easier with fresh sperm, and so much easier when the offer comes to you without asking, without expectation.
Thanks WTF!!!
When will you talk again to discuss the details?
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