Caretaker's Guilt

The relationship I have with my mother is complex.  Then again, what mother-daughter relationship isn't complex?!?  She is, without a doubt, the most important person in my life and a source of joy; she is also the source of many of my frustrations and guilt.

 

Mom isn't old; she's just in her late-50's.  But her health began to decline in the early 90's with a bout of breast cancer.  She beat it, and has been cancer-free ever since.  However, things have just gotten worse as the years have gone by.  She has a degenerative spinal condition, which gives her almost constant back pain that can only be handled by heavy duty narcotics, and surgery won't help in her case.  She has a heart condition and hypertension.  Thyroid problems.  TIAs ["mini-strokes"].

 

I am 36 years old, and am already a caretaker for my mother.  It just doesn't seem like it was supposed to happen this quickly.  I mean, I know there's no cosmic clock that deals out "fairness" cards at certain intervals, but I didn't think I'd be facing these issues until much later in my life.

 

Don't get me wrong.  Mom is still a fairly vibrant person, can get around [on good days], and can drive.  She isn't bed-ridden or anything.  So, I'm not a "true" caretaker in the sense of having someone totally dependent on my for their physical needs; although I have been shouldering the financial burden for several years since she had to retire and go on medical disability.  But I know that there is no way I could leave her, and that starts the cycle of frustration and guilt.

 

I love my mother, and sincerely pray that she is around for many years to come.  But sometimes, in the deep dark hours of the night, I rail against fate for chaining me in my situation.  I cannot enjoy true privacy sharing a household with my mother.  I cannot decide to relocate without taking her with me.  Something as simple deciding to have dinner out with friends sets in motion a ritual of figuring out what she'll have for dinner while I'm out.  Each and every decision I make about my life cannot be just about me; I have to consider how it will affect her, too.  And sometimes I wish she would just die and set me free.

 

Do I really mean that?  Of course I don't.  But I am human, and I accept my momentary lapses for what they are: ephemeral.  But regardless of how many self-help books and support groups for caretakers I check out, I can't help the guilt that follows one of those late-night evil thoughts, even though I know I don't wish ill on her.

 

The best "cure" I've discovered, when I'm having these episodes, is to imagine that I am a parent.  If I were a parent, I'd be facing these same issues... not to mention having the same mixed emotions of love, resentment, and guilt.  And if I were a parent, I'd think that my feelings were perfectly normal. It works, most of the time, pulling the Jedi mind-trick on myself.

 

Now if I could only have a child, and find out if I'm right.  Oh yeah, 'cause you know that's the only reason I wanna get knocked up. ;-D