Bloody blood bloody blood blood

Two days after my mom's surgery was my expected ovulation date, and even with everything that was going on, I wasn't going to let that egg go to waste. Well, my temps didn't really rise enough to indicate ovulation. I mean, they went up a tad, but nowhere near my usual levels. I figured that with all the stress and craziness, my ovulation was just delayed. Not the first time, wouldn't be the last, no big whoop. I wasn't on drugs, or even using opks; I was just going by fertile signs and my usual calendar, so it was all very low-key and laid back.

Fast forward another three weeks, and I start seeing fertile signs again. Ah hah! This must be the real deal. I decided to use opks this time, got my positive, spermed up again, and settled in for a two week wait. Except that 3 days past ovulation--the Sunday before Labor Day-- I began to spot. It was a little heavier than spotting, actually, but lighter than a light day, so I'm going with "spotting". That went on for four days, and completely freaked me out. I don't generally spot at ovulation, and definitely not that much or for that long. If only I'd known what was coming.

On the fifth day after ovulation, which was this past Thursday night, I passed a big strawberry-sized clot. And that's when I all started. I bled harder than I've ever bled before in my life. Except for once, on a Friday night this past January when I miscarried. My uterus can't be large enough to have held all of what came out of me: giant waves of blood that soaked pads every other hour, grape-to-strawberry sized clots popping out constantly. I didn't tell anyone what was going on. I was freaking out way too much.

In the back of my mind, I wondered if maybe I'd gotten pregnant that first time I thought I would ovulate, and was I miscarrying now? After the first day, I broke down and took a pregnancy test (even though I really didn't want to know), and it was negative. I'm still not sure how I feel about that: part of me knows I would go bat-shit crazy if I was/had been pregnant, but at the same time at least I'd have a reason for all of this.

So, for reasons unknown, I have been bleeding to the point of actually being afraid at night, that I am going to go to sleep, bleed out, and die in my sleep. And despite that fear, I could not bring myself to go to a doctor. Me, the person who'll go to a doctor over a hangnail, wouldn't go when I was honestly afraid I might die. All because I could not handle even the possibility that I might be told that I'd been pregnant, and was miscarrying.

How effing stupid is that? Don't answer that, really. I know how stupid it is. The weirdest part of the bleeding is that there was no pain involved. Massive bleeding, yes. But no cramps or contractions or jabs of pain.

Anyway, I decided to do a little self-doctoring, and stopped my aspirin therapy as of Saturday. Even though my doc had told me that it wouldn't affect menstrual bleeding, I figured it wouldn't kill me to lay off for a few days and see what happened. Well, I don't know if it helped or if my gushing was winding down on its own, but today saw at least a 50% decrease in bleeding, down to a fairly "normal" amount of menstrual bleeding. If I am menstruating, which I'm not sure about. I had either:

*A 7-week miscarriage, or
*A cd45 ovulation, followed by a mere 6 day LP and a massive period, or
*A spontaneous freak occurrence of unending, vaginal stigmata.

But now, I have pain. WTF?!? Big blood, no pain. Much less blood, and there's cramps and stabbing and so on.

So, I'm going to call around tomorrow and see if I can 1) find a doctor, since I fired my horrible ob-gyn after my miscarriage and haven't found a new one yet, and 2) if I find one, beg for an urgent care appointment. Bloody freakiness, and I can be all martyr-like and fear in silence. But pain? Oh no, pain means something's really wrong, and I need tests and ultrasounds and palpitating and all that.

I'm taking my crazy self to bed now.