Sunday, May 25, 2008

19 weeks and (still) counting

It has been 19 weeks since my miscarriage, and I do not understand how that much time has gone by. At least the first four weeks are lost in a haze of partial amnesia. I remember a few distinct events, but most of that time is a blur of sleeping, overeating, and watching both seasons of "Dead Like Me" on DVD over and over again. It was a time of feeling very fragile, as if a single harsh word could cause me to break down.

In that 19 weeks, a friend had a baby, and another girlfriend discovered she was pregnant; a friend's marriage almost ended, and a cousin got married; I overused semi-colons, and I slowly, painfully, began coming back to life. For all that I've been bitching about Supervisor Karol, I have to admit that I'm almost grateful for her. No more than two weeks ago, I was wondering if I'd permanently lost my fire, that certain spark that garnered me nicknames like Diva and Scrappy in certain circles over the years. Between clomid and Karol, though, I woke up. With a vengeance, true, but I'll forgive myself for going over the top just as long as I'm no longer in that funk, that boring neutral-beige haze of indifference that was coloring everything in my life.

Lately I find myself paying a lot of attention to time. Thinking about how long I've been trying to conceive, how long friends have been married, how long since the miracle who is my goddaughter was born. But I know the root of it all is the pregnancy-that-was. I still can't help but think how far along I would be on such & such day. Or about how, at this point, I would have an even bigger belly, bulging out with a baby, feeling kicking feet and poking elbows and mystery bits. Just last night, I had the passing thought, "If I hadn't miscarried, but went into premature labor now, my baby would have a pretty good chance at 30 weeks."

I really think it'll get a little better once my due date passes. Once I can get past the end of July, and stop counting the weeks of my non-existent pregnancy, perhaps I can let things go a little more. Of course, it doesn't help that my mom now has a surgery planned for my due date; it just gives me another reason to remember that date, another reason to stress out as the date approaches. The last time my mom had surgery, she nearly died. As in, me standing by her bedside and being pushed out of the way while alarms went off and people rushed in to work on her; leaning against a wall and watching as my mother struggled for her life, fought for something as basic as a breath.

Hell, is it August yet?

27 comments:

Ginny said...

I'm visiting from NaComLeavMo & just wanted to wish you well. I'm very sorry you are going through this, I know how hard it is. Take care, wish I had words to make you feel better :)

Sam said...

I'm so sorry. Can your mom change the date? I've watched a parent go through medical drama, it is so horrifying.

Technically I'm visiting from NaComLeavMo but I already read your blog. I'm just a crappy commenter.

In Due Time said...

(((Hugs))) thinking about you.

Queenie. . . said...

I miscarried in August at about 8 weeks, and I went through a lot of the stuff that you're describing. I tried drowning myself in work to avoid thinking about it, and it did gradually get better. I think the real turning point came for me once I'd passed my due date, though. I can't exactly explain why--it was like I was still waiting for something, and then once it passed, it was final and done.

I'm wishing you some peace in coming weeks.

Heather said...

Miscarriage is such a unique loss; it sort of hangs suspended until the due date has passed. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. Hang in there.

(Thanks for stopping by my place today. I like your Rosie the Riveter icon. I have much affection for her. :) )

Sky said...

Oh wow, I'm so sorry for your loss. While I'm stopping by from NaComLeavMo, my heart is breaking for you. We suffered through infertility, but never a miscarriage.

One day at a time...and my thoughts are with you!

Briar said...

NaComLeavMo lighting a fire under my ass and leading me here to send you IVP love and strength. I am sorry it is taking such a long time to get back to normal. And I know the Clomid Crazy. I screamed like a horror movie and just kept imagining in detail how it would feel to slam my foot into my husband's nose. Miscarriage is soul-sucking shit stuff.

Katie said...

Also via NaComLeavMo...
Wow, I'm so sorry for all the rubbish stuff life is throwing at you. Keep on fighting. Love is flying across the Atlantic as I type!

Unknown said...

Awww girlfriend...sometimes life just sucks. I must say though, having been another half-crazed Clomid-induced Bitch before, I was pretty much enjoying your description in you last post. Oh the memories!

Good luck in trying to survive these next few months...incredibly awful, I know but one day at a time, you can do it. Keep writing here and we will listen...promise!

I stopped by from NCLM...come by and see me anytime!!

Cece said...

Damn. I know exactly how you feel. And yes - getting by that due date will help. When I had my ectopic... I was DEVESTATED. On top of the emotional shit, I find out that because I managed to get pregnant (hahahaha) I was now no longer 'infertile' and needed to wait a whole year more (on top of the 18 months we'd been trying already to prove, yet again, that I was a failure at baby making.

You'll get there. We are rooting for you!

Anonymous said...

Hello ... I stumbled here from NaComLeavMo and just had to say how sorry I am for your loss. I truly hope that the next few months go by fast for you. ((HUGS))

Eliza said...

"I overused semi-colons,"

For that alone, I now love you (hello from NaComLeavMo! I started at the bottom because I thought everyone else would start at the top! But skipped around a little!).

I have never had a miscarriage, but I know all too well the slow-motion warp speed of grief. I can tell you usually to the day how long it has been since the March 22nd before last when we got the news from our geneticist that I had transmitted an autosomal-dominant syndrome to all three of our children, and that I would never get better, and they would surely get worse...I started my blog right before it all started to hit the fan and I am glad because otherwise I would have no memory of so many things, related and not.

And honey, when there is grief? One can NEVER overuse semi-colons. Too much complexity. Rock out with your punctuation out. "Eliza"

Kim said...

So sorry for your loss. I have had 6 m/c and lost my youngest's twin at 18 weeks. It does get a little easier on some days and some days are still pretty rough. (HUGS)

Lisa said...

Oh, boy, do I understand where you are. My first pregnancy, which was ectopic, would have been 1 this past April. My second pregnancy, which ended in m/c was due this coming mid-June. May feels like the safest month on my calendar and I dread flipping to June and having to look at June 14th for a whole month. Hugs to you as you try to heal and I hope July goes quickly for you.

Miss Feisty said...

Hi Kim,
I'm over from NaComLeavMo...

I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to imagine how you feel. I'm sure this has to be the hardest thing to deal with. I will be starting IVF later this summer & miscarriage is my worst fear! I will keep you in my thoughts...

Erin said...

I'm also here from NaComLeavMo and wanted to say how sorry I am about your miscarriage. I hope that you are able to heal, though it may take a long time.

Momma Mary said...

Hi! Thanks for the comment. I do like the minivan now. Only 1 day so far.

I'll be keeping you in my thoughts. May August come quickly!!

♥.Trish.♥ Drumboys said...

I'm here from NaComLeavCom

I stradle the realms of long term infertility, adoption, pregnancy loss and IVF.

I am so sorry for the loss of your baby. I can't imagine your pain and grief right now.

I can identify with your story - 12 years of not preventing pregnancy and we got a surprise baby. She died in utero at 26weeks. The counting is a part of grieving.

I hope your dream to be parents is soon realised. I wish I knew some thing else earnest to say. Bring on August and I hope your Mum's surgery is successful.

littleangelkisses said...

Time is a tricky thing. We spend a lot of it wishing it would speed up and a fair amount of it wanting it to slow down.

I'm sorry for your loss

Mama Shel said...

Duuuude! What do I need to do to get all the kickass comments you've managed to rack up?

Seriously, I'm jealous. :(

Katie said...

I like the way you write. You have a sense of humor, which can be so important, esp. when life sucks. I'm thinking of you and hoping for you that the months pass by and that the end of summer will be a breath of fresh air.

Unknown said...

Hi, I am visiting from NLCM and wanted to say hello. I am sorry you are having such a rough time....these curve balls that life throws at us are hard to handle sometimes. Hang in there.

Jendeis said...

I'm here from NaComLeavMo. I am so sorry about everything that you've gone through and are continuing to go through. I hope that you are able to find some peace soon.

Steph said...

NaComLeavMo

I just wanted to tell you that I read your post and I am so sorry. I am going to continue reading your post. What are your next steps?

Jessica White said...

via NCLM

I'm sorry for your loss.

KimboSue said...

Keep pouring your heart out here girly. We're here to listen. NCLM

Sambalina said...

I wish I had something to say to make you feel better.

but I'll be thinking of you!

Samantha (NCLM)