Sometimes I feel so stupid

Today found me helping with more nitpicky details for the summit meeting: I was double checking and confirming spa appointments. And let me tell you, there’s nothing like that kind of task to make my jaw drop to the floor. The cost of the treatments was in pesos, but even doing a rough mental conversion, my estimate is that the total is going to be somewhere in the region of $20,000 US. To be honest, that’s probably a bare minimum, really. And here I am in the bracket that worries about a $200 ultrasound.

So, I’m going down the list, double checking dates, times, and treatments: pages and pages and pages of details. I was completely fine—if perhaps bored—until I got to one lady’s entries. This woman was having a series of massages, one every day, for the length of the summit. Prenatal massages, to be precise. I read that little fact and actually murmured out loud, “Oh, isn’t that nice? J is pregnant.” Then I felt very foolish for having congratulatory thoughts towards a woman I don’t know.

About 10 seconds later, I was desperately trying not to cry. And feeling even more stupid. I felt like someone had walked up to me, slapped me in the face, called me fat, and insulted my mother. I think the only thing that kept me from completely losing it was the fact that I’m right out in front and highly visible.

I felt silly then, and still can barely believe it, that I got so emotional over a pregnancy on paper. All I could think about, though, is how much I wish I were having a prenatal massage, or rather, that I had a reason to have a prenatal massage. That I would have a nice extra thickness in my middle at 21w1d. And yes, don’t you think for a minute that I don’t still know how far along I’m supposed to be.

::

I’ve had very strange dreams over the last week or two. Not strange because of what happened in the dreams, but more because of the people in them. I’ve been dreaming about old friends and acquaintances, people I’ve lost contact with over the years and haven’t seen in ages.

Now I feel like I want to turn detective, and try to track a few of them down. Maybe my subconscious is trying to give me a new hobby; I don’t know. All I know is that with a couple of them, it actually feels urgent that I find them. Like, I can look or not for the others as I please, but for these two, I need to find them NOW.

So, I guess I’ll start trying to find my high school BFF, and the chef who used to hang out at the coffee shop. Yeah, it’ll be like looking for a needle in a haystack. :P