Ladies and gentlemen, introducing my reproductive organs: I am on cd11, with no drugs--and only dregs of hope-- in me. I feel like I'm just going through the motions, to be honest. I do not, in my heart of hearts, believe that I will ever be pregnant or bear a child. I really don't. It's only those tiny scraps of hope that keep me going through the motions at this point, cycle after cycle. I don't know when to quit. I guess it's the fact that there is no possibility of a "miracle" pregnancy for me. You know, those miracles that happen when a couple decides to stop all the fertility treatments, or are on a break cycle from treatment, and she miraculously gets pregnant after trying for 3 years? Well, I'll never get that miracle.
I'm single, so there's no chance a random night of sex with my husband/fiance/boyfriend will get me knocked up. I have to deliberately make the choice to introduce semen into my body, and make arrangements so to do. So for there to be any hope of pregnancy, I have to keep going through the motions. It's that difference that makes it drag on. I can't quite completely give up hope, so I have to keep on insemming. Even though I know it isn't going to work. But I can't quit yet. This is so insane, and I know it. But I still can't stop yet. Next week will be insemination #1,298,635. At least, that's what it feels like.
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By the way, part of the reason—other than all the craziness I’ve updated about today—I haven’t written in a while is because I’m finally making the switch to a high-speed internet connection. Yes, I still use… wait for it… a dial-up connection. My best guy-friend teases me by calling me a Mennonite.
Anyway, all the equipment was gathered last week, cords were unhooked and directions were spread out. And then the grand realization that parts were missing. Okay, fuck it; a trip to the depot of office stuff would have to wait until the higher priority problems were solved.
One thing after another (see previous blogs) just popped up, leaving little motivation to fiddle with new technology. So, I finally just gave in and started hooking up the good ole phone line again so I could get online. I was seriously fiending for a fix, I tell ya!
Maybe this weekend, now that things have settled down, I can take my first step into the modern world and get my fancy new internet stuff hooked up.
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1 comment:
i'm so sorry this seems to be a time of little hope for you. i know that feeling all too well. But i commend you and admire you for continuing, and not giving up all hope--without that hope i don't know what we would all do.
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