An apology

I don’t know if this is as much an apology, as it is an explanation. To all of my friends, both real life and online, who are not in the crazy world of TTC (trying to conceive), I just want to try to explain my life right now.

You see, I am a hostage to my ovaries. I am a walking life-support system for my reproductive organs. I probably talk more to my RE’s nurse than I do to many of you, and for that I am truly sorry. It’s not that I don’t think of you, or that I don’t care about you. It’s just that the desire to conceive is so strong and overwhelming, and the frustration so strong, that it is quite simply almost the only thing on my mind 90% of the time.

When I wake in the morning, the first thing I do every day (take my temperature) is related to TTC. Then I take medicines to help with TTC. I record data about my TTC online. I talk with other women around the world online about TTC. Everyday, I analyze my body, and any maladies or sensations, according to what it might mean in TTC terms. Before I go to bed at night, I’m mentally going over plans for the current cycle of TTC. If I meet you for a meal, a drink, or just to hang out, I really am paying attention to you. But believe me, in the back of my head, I’m thinking about TTC.

While we’re out eating, I’m wondering if these cramps I’m feeling are just follicles growing, or if I could be overstimulated, or if perhaps that was just a bad batch of shrimp. As I pay for my check at the bar, I’m wincing at how much the next cycle is going to cost if I have to get more aggressive. When we’re just shooting the breeze, and you tell me about something cute your child did, I’m wondering if I’ll ever experience that joy firsthand instead of secondhand.

You see, time is running out for me. I only have maybe 6 more cycles to try before I’ll call it quits. At that point, if I’ve not managed to conceive, then the only alternatives will be surgery and/or IVF, and I just can’t go that route. My financial resources can’t support it, and I cannot in good conscience go that deeply into debt in the quest to have a child.

So please believe me when I say that you are all loved, and that I think of you often. It’s just that right now, I am in a “me” phase. It is hard for me to be as interested in my usual hobbies and activities, when most of my attention is focused on this animalistic drive to reproduce. I don’t talk about it with you guys because I would sound like a broken record playing the same track over and over and over. Anyway, that’s my “deal” these days. All I can ask is that you bear with me, and try to understand how encompassing this can be.

There is a fantastic website out there, and probably everyone in the TTC world knows about it. I would ask my real life friends to take a look. It describes what I go through everyday far better than I ever could. It’s from the point of view of a couple struggling with infertility, and not a singleton like me, but it still rings true.