Just crucify me now

Two things today: 1) I saw “Spamalot” last night, and it was fantastic; 2) I am apparently the positive, upbeat Pollyanna in my online infertility crowd. Okay, so I know those two things seem completely unrelated, but there really is a connection, I swear.

Most of the people who know me in real life, know that I’m just as jaded and cynical as everyone else in my social circle. So it’s very odd, really, that I’m the positive-thinker in my virtual life. You see, the group of ladies I spend the most time with are other IFs (infertiles) who, like me, have been trying to conceive their first child for over a year. Now, I’m long past a year; hell, I’m coming up on my three year mark pretty soon! Still, there are very different feelings that come with being unable to conceive your first child, compared to having trouble while trying to conceive, say, your third child. It’s not that we don’t think the mum trying for #3 doesn’t have a right to their frustrations and pain; it’s just that the pain of not having any children at all is different.

This special community, as you can imagine, gets quite bitchy at times. It’s very frustrating to see women who’ve been trying for all of 3 months write a post that says, “I’m finally pregnant after 3 long months of trying! I didn’t ever think I was going to see a positive pregnancy test!” It either makes you want to pat them on the head for their sweet naiveté, or smack them in the face for getting “the prize” so quickly. As a jaded and cynical person, I love it when we snort and make fun of some of the young things; it’s fun, it’s a safe release for our tension, and it’s in a semi-private forum just for us, so no harm/no foul.

The times that I have a problem with the boards is when the ultra-bitterness comes out, and it comes out often. There are a lot of women who are in so much pain over their infertility that they can’t stand to be around pregnant women, babies, or even to hear talk about them. It’s so bad that there was even a LONG debate over how it should be handled when/if someone on the board got pregnant: should they announce it, how should it be announced, should there be a special, separate place for the announcements so as not to hurt/offend the other members, etc. That was honestly when my first feelings of “something’s not quite right” started creeping up on me. If we were all together for support in our TTC journey, shouldn’t we be happy for one of us who managed to get pregnant?

And that’s where the bitterness is in the group. The thing I hear most often is, “I want to be happy for them (friend, family member, etc.), but it just hurts so much and I hate that it’s not me, and I just want to cry. How can they tell me how happy they are to be pregnant, when they KNOW I’m trying? Don’t they care about me at all? What about my feelings?”

I ignored a lot of this stuff for a long time, then finally spoke out a few days ago. You see, I don’t really have a problem being around pregnant women and babies. Yes, in my early days (somewhere around year one, with the occasional lapse), it was hard, but even then I just sucked it up and went on. I knew even back then, that other people achieving the joy I sought wasn’t my punishment; it was their blessing. And if they were people that I loved, then how could I begrudge them their happiness? Of course if was hard when two of my best friends got pregnant within three months of me starting TTC/discovering I have PCOS. And when 3 more girlfriends got pregnant within the next 6 months, I thought I was in my own private hell. But at the same time, I was honestly and genuinely happy for them, and looked forward to the days when our get-togethers included bottles of formula instead of bottles of beer.

So, because I just don’t get the super-ultra-bitterness, and don’t feel the same way, I am apparently a Pollyanna. I have been lambasted for not being bitter enough, for daring to have a semi-positive point of view. One person even suggested—I hope at least partly tongue in cheek—that I must be on some good nerve calming drugs. Huh? There’s something wrong with me, just because I don’t fly into rages while passing pictures of children in Sear’s portrait gallery? Or because I don’t burst into tears if I see a pregnant woman in the supermarket? Gee, and here I thought I was just well-adjusted and mature enough to know that it’s my body that’s messed up, it’s no one else’s fault, and getting mad at everyone I see isn’t going to get me pregnant. I don’t have enough energy for all of that.

Here’s the thing: if they want to vent and rant and rage, that’s fine. It’s our special place to let loose and say what we really feel. I don’t always agree, but fire away! I just want the same rights as everyone else: to be able to say how I feel, even if THEY don’t agree with me. I’m finding it quite hypocritical, that people are talking about how the board is “our” place to be free, but “our” doesn’t seem to include everyone.

I have a theory that we all have a different threshold of pain when it comes to TTC: some can handle more than others. I think I just have a higher threshold of pain. Or just a different point of view. I don’t really know. I mean, I still obsess like crazy over this stuff; it’s just that I obsess about me, and not about the world around me.

Anyway, that’s enough of that rant. I’m currently 14 dpo, and waiting for my period to arrive. I have no hope for this cycle, as timing was off, and my semen sample wasn’t that great. So, I’ll be on to femara cycle #4 very shortly!

Oh! About Spamalot! It was a fantastic show, and I highly recommend it to anyone, but most especially if (like me) you’re a Monty Python fan. And yes, I know that I said there was a connection between Spamalot and my Pollyanna rant, and here it is: while I was trying to think of how I wanted to write about the whole Pollyanna business, I realized that I was humming one of the “Life of Brian” songs they had in the show: “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life.” How appropriate.