Friday, February 16, 2007

Just crucify me now


Two things today: 1) I saw “Spamalot” last night, and it was fantastic; 2) I am apparently the positive, upbeat Pollyanna in my online infertility crowd. Okay, so I know those two things seem completely unrelated, but there really is a connection, I swear.

Most of the people who know me in real life, know that I’m just as jaded and cynical as everyone else in my social circle. So it’s very odd, really, that I’m the positive-thinker in my virtual life. You see, the group of ladies I spend the most time with are other IFs (infertiles) who, like me, have been trying to conceive their first child for over a year. Now, I’m long past a year; hell, I’m coming up on my three year mark pretty soon! Still, there are very different feelings that come with being unable to conceive your first child, compared to having trouble while trying to conceive, say, your third child. It’s not that we don’t think the mum trying for #3 doesn’t have a right to their frustrations and pain; it’s just that the pain of not having any children at all is different.

This special community, as you can imagine, gets quite bitchy at times. It’s very frustrating to see women who’ve been trying for all of 3 months write a post that says, “I’m finally pregnant after 3 long months of trying! I didn’t ever think I was going to see a positive pregnancy test!” It either makes you want to pat them on the head for their sweet naiveté, or smack them in the face for getting “the prize” so quickly. As a jaded and cynical person, I love it when we snort and make fun of some of the young things; it’s fun, it’s a safe release for our tension, and it’s in a semi-private forum just for us, so no harm/no foul.

The times that I have a problem with the boards is when the ultra-bitterness comes out, and it comes out often. There are a lot of women who are in so much pain over their infertility that they can’t stand to be around pregnant women, babies, or even to hear talk about them. It’s so bad that there was even a LONG debate over how it should be handled when/if someone on the board got pregnant: should they announce it, how should it be announced, should there be a special, separate place for the announcements so as not to hurt/offend the other members, etc. That was honestly when my first feelings of “something’s not quite right” started creeping up on me. If we were all together for support in our TTC journey, shouldn’t we be happy for one of us who managed to get pregnant?

And that’s where the bitterness is in the group. The thing I hear most often is, “I want to be happy for them (friend, family member, etc.), but it just hurts so much and I hate that it’s not me, and I just want to cry. How can they tell me how happy they are to be pregnant, when they KNOW I’m trying? Don’t they care about me at all? What about my feelings?”

I ignored a lot of this stuff for a long time, then finally spoke out a few days ago. You see, I don’t really have a problem being around pregnant women and babies. Yes, in my early days (somewhere around year one, with the occasional lapse), it was hard, but even then I just sucked it up and went on. I knew even back then, that other people achieving the joy I sought wasn’t my punishment; it was their blessing. And if they were people that I loved, then how could I begrudge them their happiness? Of course if was hard when two of my best friends got pregnant within three months of me starting TTC/discovering I have PCOS. And when 3 more girlfriends got pregnant within the next 6 months, I thought I was in my own private hell. But at the same time, I was honestly and genuinely happy for them, and looked forward to the days when our get-togethers included bottles of formula instead of bottles of beer.

So, because I just don’t get the super-ultra-bitterness, and don’t feel the same way, I am apparently a Pollyanna. I have been lambasted for not being bitter enough, for daring to have a semi-positive point of view. One person even suggested—I hope at least partly tongue in cheek—that I must be on some good nerve calming drugs. Huh? There’s something wrong with me, just because I don’t fly into rages while passing pictures of children in Sear’s portrait gallery? Or because I don’t burst into tears if I see a pregnant woman in the supermarket? Gee, and here I thought I was just well-adjusted and mature enough to know that it’s my body that’s messed up, it’s no one else’s fault, and getting mad at everyone I see isn’t going to get me pregnant. I don’t have enough energy for all of that.

Here’s the thing: if they want to vent and rant and rage, that’s fine. It’s our special place to let loose and say what we really feel. I don’t always agree, but fire away! I just want the same rights as everyone else: to be able to say how I feel, even if THEY don’t agree with me. I’m finding it quite hypocritical, that people are talking about how the board is “our” place to be free, but “our” doesn’t seem to include everyone.

I have a theory that we all have a different threshold of pain when it comes to TTC: some can handle more than others. I think I just have a higher threshold of pain. Or just a different point of view. I don’t really know. I mean, I still obsess like crazy over this stuff; it’s just that I obsess about me, and not about the world around me.

Anyway, that’s enough of that rant. I’m currently 14 dpo, and waiting for my period to arrive. I have no hope for this cycle, as timing was off, and my semen sample wasn’t that great. So, I’ll be on to femara cycle #4 very shortly!

Oh! About Spamalot! It was a fantastic show, and I highly recommend it to anyone, but most especially if (like me) you’re a Monty Python fan. And yes, I know that I said there was a connection between Spamalot and my Pollyanna rant, and here it is: while I was trying to think of how I wanted to write about the whole Pollyanna business, I realized that I was humming one of the “Life of Brian” songs they had in the show: “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life.” How appropriate.

7 comments:

Solitaire said...

I'm right there with you. I don't know how I ended up being Pollyanna, but honestly, someone else getting pregnant doesn't affect MY journey. I mean, sure, I went through a jealous phase, but I'm well past that. And then there are the ones that think it is some sort of reward system, and get annoyed when someone that doesn't "deserve" it gets the prize. These days I just feel that it'll happen (or not) when things are right in MY treatment, which is in no way affected by anyone else. I too feel like an outsider on some boards because I'm not bitter and angry enough. We need a place for us where we can be slightly bitter and sad, but a little bit hopeful too. Sigh. What can we call ourselves? Infertile Polyannas, maybe?

Anonymous said...

Perhaps hope is the key on living each day to its fullest... I personally have only been TTC for 8 or so months. Got that "prize" of BFP only to have it jerked away... fortunately, that could have caused bitterness, but I absolutely will not allow it to happen. It's a choice you make everyday to live everyday with a certain mindset. Not that I don't have my sad times, I do... but I will and will always remain a "half glass full person" and not "half empty."

PLUS... I was thinking - since I'm on LP too and had the opportunity to post in the private forum for just a few days to say hi to you (near Memphis, right?) - anyway, I was wondering the day Suzi changed the setup how each bitter infertile would feel when they personally got their own BFP and their "friends" couldn't stand them or let them post any longer... it was just a passing thought...

I'm glad you are a pollyanna. And that you are like me... maybe you obsess about your OWN situation but not hold it 100% against the world for where you are... etc... I'm sitting next to a pregnant girl everyday at work... pregnant accidentally out of wedlock barely knew the guy pregnant... and her belly is starting to pop. But everyday I force myself to be gracious with her and to be happy for her... because that's just how I choose to be...

Love reading your blog btw... take care...

(bethierx)

Anonymous said...

You will get there! All of these women that are bitter are going to have children of their own, and probably feel bad for the way that they've treated other women that have been TTC #2. Maybe in a different way. I totally see your point about how it could be scary for someone in that group to be scared to get a BFP. How are these girls going to feel when they have a child of their own, and someone posts something nasty about them posting pictures of their children on the boards? I'm TTC #1 for my husband, but #2 in my life. I don't fit the "criteria" But does it make it different for us to be TTC #1#2 really. We are TTC #1 for him. Does he not count in all of this. I do understand that we are very blessed to have the ONE that I have. I love my child VERY MUCH! and I'm VERY greatful that I've been blessed with her in my life. I'm very proud of you for standing up and saying something about the bitterness. It's unhealthy for them to be treating other women that are going through pain this way. It takes guts, and you're a very brave smart woman. I hope you get yours this cycle. I'll be watching. Lurking. lol
Love, luck, and happieness,
You know who I am. ;o)

Anonymous said...

What is the issue with people having a SAFE forum where they can feel comfortable posting? ONE forum in all of cyberland where they can come on a bad day and not have to worry about seeing something hurtful like a pregnancy announcement or baby pic. Why do you all care so much? Don't you realize that the reason we needed a place hidden away was because of people like you? People's whose constant need to be validated trumps the years of pain we have gone through. You want US to be supportive of YOU, but you all have NEVER attempted to show one scrap of sympathy toward us, not once ounce of understanding. Shame on you.

I wish you would realize how LUCKY you are that you haven't reached that point in your life where you feel completely hopeless, where you realize that your dreams have been shattered and your life as you planned it is in shambles. So be thankful that you still have your sanity, your attitude, your friends, and your faith, but don't belittle others who are in pain. You have no right to do that. If you don't like the sentiment of the board, then don't post there. But don't hang around pretending like you're everyone's friend when you're not.

Anonymous said...

Sorry but I have to weigh in on something a bit off-topic here.

*ahem*

If any of you bitches (that's right, I said it) actually knew the person who created this website in real life you would be eating a warm bowl of shut the hell up because you have no IDEA of the kind of person she is. I've known her for nearly 14 years now and if there is ANYONE more understanding of other people's trials and tribulations then I have yet to meet them.

Scuse me for "sticking up" but I couldn't stand to read any more of this trivial bullshit whining without weighing in on what a truly awesome person you all are addressing.

Also, consider this my way of sticking my foot firmly up all your asses as it should be planted permanently.

hammygirl said...

I'm just creeping up on the one year mark, and I still find my self jealous of newly pregnant folk. Completely inwardly jealous (although I did just vent a little on my blog), because I am very thrilled for everyone that is successful.

I've sensed hostility from people that have been on this journey longer, and while I fully understand their frustration, I do find it weird that we can't all be supportive of each other - from those who have just started to those who have been on this train a long time.

Kudos to you for keeping positive and speaking out against the bitterness.

Anonymous said...

Kudos to you for expressing this sentiment so eloquently! I've always felt the same way when it came to infertility. Why must women be so petty to each other? In the end, the ability to have a baby is totally random. One woman's pregnancy has no bearing on another's chance to get pregnant or stay pregnant. It's a very dangerous trend to accommodate this sort of irrational jealousy.

Rae