In Limbo

I haven't been writing much because of two things: one, I've been really tired from work and the last thing I want to do when I get home is to try to write coherently; two, because everything in my life feels like it's in limbo.

I'm working (and boy howdy, are there tales to tell there), and have been at the same place for a month now. Well, technically, it'll be a month tomorrow. It's late and I'm tired, so I'll dish about my job later. But it's still a formless temp job, no matter that I've been there a month. I could get a phone call in the morning from my agency telling me the assignment has been ended. Limbo.

My body is still working on getting back to "normal". My miscarriage was on Jan 12th, and I have only bled once since then. Nothing is predictable or reliable; I have no real idea what my body is doing/might do. I think I'm about to ovulate, actually. It's really late (today is cd 39), but my ovaries are killing me tonight. It actually feels like clomid-type pain, for those of you who know/remember that particular hell. Will I ovulate? Will I have to take provera for the never-ending cycle? Will I decide to and/or manage to have a nodding acquaintance with semen before summer comes? I don't know. Limbo.

To me, though, the worst is something that I really don't know how to describe. Self perception, perhaps? I was a woman going through all the nine hells of infertility. Then I got pregnant, and fell completely in love with a ball of cells that grew enough to have little arms and legs. In my mind, I took off the platform boots of Infertile Woman, and put on the cardigan of Someone's Mom. I had a teeny tiny baby, and I was the mom. My heart was completely won over the first time I saw a blob with a flickering heartbeat; in that moment, I became a mom.

Except that.... I'm not anyone's mother. The little person to whom I talked and sang, doesn't physically exist anymore. I never touched or held the person for whom I ate boatloads of whole grains and vegetables. My primary self-identifier became a lie, and I have not yet managed to figure out who I'm supposed to be now.