Saturday, September 27, 2008
Thursday, September 18, 2008
But wait! There's even more proof that I've been living under a rock: I didn't know about the upcoming movie until about a week after I got the last book. And yeah, yeah, I'm looking forward to seeing the movie, but I gotta say that I've been laughing my ass off at some of the parodies I've found on Youtube. So of course I have to share! If you haven't read at least the first book, these won't make any sense, but if you have, I hope you bust a gut as much I have. Out of the billion I've watched, I like these two the best.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
… are in my office everyday. For the second time this week (and come on, it's only Wednesday), I've been in the toilet and heard someone leave their stall, and walk out without washing their hands. I just wished that I hadn't gone into a stall yet, so I could see just who the women are that leave with pee-hands. That way I'd know whose little homemade treats to avoid, know what I mean? People are always bringing in muffins or cookies or things to share with the office, and I shudder to think of eating pee-cookies.
Okay, yeah, the pee ladies at least get a squirt of hand-sanitizer (there's a dispenser just as you walk out of the toilet and it makes a distinct sound), but I still feel icked out about people not washing their hands after using the facilities. I think of the sanitizer as an added bonus for paranoid people like me, not as a substitute for kindergarten-level hygiene.
And people wonder why I get so weird about things like washing up before preparing food (and then washing again after touching different types of food), or not letting people use my phone, or things like that. Some people are gross!
I went to the doctor last week, and am happy to report that I am fine and dandy. I had, as many had suggested, a withdrawal bleed. I had considered that possibility, but dismissed it because as a PCOSer, believe me, I've had many a withdrawal bleed over the years. The problem was the severity of the bleeding, and the nature of the blood. So of course, I had to have a twist.
Apparently, when my over-abundant lining began sloughing off, I developed an actual bleeding wound. As in, lining coming out, but causing a small tear where it was disengaging, and then me bleeding from that tear. Lovely.
It wasn't funny at the time, but looking back now—with a week's worth of time to see it—I can't help but giggle at my RE's plan. I go in with a complaint of severe vaginal/menstrual bleeding, and his remedy is to have me do a round of provera to induce a bleed.
What. The. Hell?!?!? I'd only just gone down to a spot or two, and he wants me to bleed some more? But it all made sense when he explained things, although I have to admit that I haven't started it [provera] yet. I was/am curious to see what my body is going to do, so I decided to give it a week or two and see what happens.
My biggest frustration about the RE visit was that he kept using baby-talk with me. I don't mean that he was telling me that I had an owwie and he'd kiss it and make it better. No, I mean that he spoke to me like I was a PCOS/infertility "virgin", using small words and over-explaining things the way he'd have to on an initial consult with a newbie. While I can appreciate how much it would help a newb, I just felt frustrated because it was wasting time. I didn't need a 5-minute explanation of how provera works, really. I'm the one who, by the time we were 10 minutes into our initial consultation, had him asking me if I were in the medical field. Seriously.
Anyway, that whole bleeding drama seems over, so I'm happy about that. But the major suckage is that my RE is leaving the practice at the end of the month. In fact, he's moving to the other side of the state to open his own practice. I'm sad that he's leaving, and very jealous of the women in Chattanooga who'll get to have him as their RE.
Monday, September 08, 2008
Fast forward another three weeks, and I start seeing fertile signs again. Ah hah! This must be the real deal. I decided to use opks this time, got my positive, spermed up again, and settled in for a two week wait. Except that 3 days past ovulation--the Sunday before Labor Day-- I began to spot. It was a little heavier than spotting, actually, but lighter than a light day, so I'm going with "spotting". That went on for four days, and completely freaked me out. I don't generally spot at ovulation, and definitely not that much or for that long. If only I'd known what was coming.
On the fifth day after ovulation, which was this past Thursday night, I passed a big strawberry-sized clot. And that's when I all started. I bled harder than I've ever bled before in my life. Except for once, on a Friday night this past January when I miscarried. My uterus can't be large enough to have held all of what came out of me: giant waves of blood that soaked pads every other hour, grape-to-strawberry sized clots popping out constantly. I didn't tell anyone what was going on. I was freaking out way too much.
In the back of my mind, I wondered if maybe I'd gotten pregnant that first time I thought I would ovulate, and was I miscarrying now? After the first day, I broke down and took a pregnancy test (even though I really didn't want to know), and it was negative. I'm still not sure how I feel about that: part of me knows I would go bat-shit crazy if I was/had been pregnant, but at the same time at least I'd have a reason for all of this.
So, for reasons unknown, I have been bleeding to the point of actually being afraid at night, that I am going to go to sleep, bleed out, and die in my sleep. And despite that fear, I could not bring myself to go to a doctor. Me, the person who'll go to a doctor over a hangnail, wouldn't go when I was honestly afraid I might die. All because I could not handle even the possibility that I might be told that I'd been pregnant, and was miscarrying.
How effing stupid is that? Don't answer that, really. I know how stupid it is. The weirdest part of the bleeding is that there was no pain involved. Massive bleeding, yes. But no cramps or contractions or jabs of pain.
Anyway, I decided to do a little self-doctoring, and stopped my aspirin therapy as of Saturday. Even though my doc had told me that it wouldn't affect menstrual bleeding, I figured it wouldn't kill me to lay off for a few days and see what happened. Well, I don't know if it helped or if my gushing was winding down on its own, but today saw at least a 50% decrease in bleeding, down to a fairly "normal" amount of menstrual bleeding. If I am menstruating, which I'm not sure about. I had either:
*A 7-week miscarriage, or
*A cd45 ovulation, followed by a mere 6 day LP and a massive period, or
*A spontaneous freak occurrence of unending, vaginal stigmata.
But now, I have pain. WTF?!? Big blood, no pain. Much less blood, and there's cramps and stabbing and so on.
So, I'm going to call around tomorrow and see if I can 1) find a doctor, since I fired my horrible ob-gyn after my miscarriage and haven't found a new one yet, and 2) if I find one, beg for an urgent care appointment. Bloody freakiness, and I can be all martyr-like and fear in silence. But pain? Oh no, pain means something's really wrong, and I need tests and ultrasounds and palpitating and all that.
I'm taking my crazy self to bed now.