Thursday, April 24, 2008

In Limbo

I haven't been writing much because of two things: one, I've been really tired from work and the last thing I want to do when I get home is to try to write coherently; two, because everything in my life feels like it's in limbo.

I'm working (and boy howdy, are there tales to tell there), and have been at the same place for a month now. Well, technically, it'll be a month tomorrow. It's late and I'm tired, so I'll dish about my job later. But it's still a formless temp job, no matter that I've been there a month. I could get a phone call in the morning from my agency telling me the assignment has been ended. Limbo.

My body is still working on getting back to "normal". My miscarriage was on Jan 12th, and I have only bled once since then. Nothing is predictable or reliable; I have no real idea what my body is doing/might do. I think I'm about to ovulate, actually. It's really late (today is cd 39), but my ovaries are killing me tonight. It actually feels like clomid-type pain, for those of you who know/remember that particular hell. Will I ovulate? Will I have to take provera for the never-ending cycle? Will I decide to and/or manage to have a nodding acquaintance with semen before summer comes? I don't know. Limbo.

To me, though, the worst is something that I really don't know how to describe. Self perception, perhaps? I was a woman going through all the nine hells of infertility. Then I got pregnant, and fell completely in love with a ball of cells that grew enough to have little arms and legs. In my mind, I took off the platform boots of Infertile Woman, and put on the cardigan of Someone's Mom. I had a teeny tiny baby, and I was the mom. My heart was completely won over the first time I saw a blob with a flickering heartbeat; in that moment, I became a mom.

Except that.... I'm not anyone's mother. The little person to whom I talked and sang, doesn't physically exist anymore. I never touched or held the person for whom I ate boatloads of whole grains and vegetables. My primary self-identifier became a lie, and I have not yet managed to figure out who I'm supposed to be now.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Apache vs. Voodoo People

This is for the three whole people reading who actually know the song "Voodoo People" by the Prodigy. I laughed so hard I thought I might choke on my own spit.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Just call me Dilbertina

The last couple of weeks have been both boring and eventful at the same time. I’m still temping at the same company, even though the assignment was technically supposed to end last Friday. I am, in fact, making my virgin foray on the internet for “play” right now, testing the boundaries to see what I can get away with. ((ETA: Well, apparently I CANNOT go to my blog from work, so this will have to be posted tonight. Crap. Fraggin’ strict internet policies!))

It’s going to sound absolutely insane, but I discovered a wondrous sense of peace and solitude working in the file room. No crazy phones to answer; not having to greet every person who walks in the door; being sorta locked away and pretty much unsupervised since the person who is my actual supervisor is half the building away; practically no human interaction at all except for the occasional file request. The only drawback is that my computer—THIS computer—is in “my” cubicle block that’s half the building away from the file room. The only reason I’m sitting here now is because I’ve worked so swiftly that I’ve run out of work to do until more supplies are delivered today. Go me!

I feel very Dilbert-esque here, in my first real experience in the stereotypical Big Business Office, filled with cubicles everywhere. I worked for big companies before, even some very swank ones, but this is the first time it’s been the type of thing you see on television, where every floor is just a maze of cubicles. It’s interesting, I’ll give you that.

Here are the top 5 things I’ve learned (or had reinforced) since working here:

1. If you look like you belong somewhere, and walk with purpose, no one will challenge your right to be wherever you are. It’s especially helpful if you carry some folders or a handful of papers around with you.

2. People in Big Offices are apparently allergic to making coffee. Or perhaps they have a phobia to the sound of the water rushing through the coffeepot, as it reawakens memories of their grandfather’s unfortunate and freakish demise in the Folger’s Laboratory in the ‘60s when he worked on those marvelous freeze-dried crystals. I don’t know. All I know is that I use two different break rooms to fulfill my coffee needs: one is close to my file room, the other by my rarely-used cubicle. At least 75% of the time, I’m putting on a pot of coffee whenever I make a pit-stop. I drink one cup of regular first thing in the morning, then switch to decaf for the remainder of the day (I maybe have 2-4 more cups of decaf throughout the day, interspersed with straight water). I make 3-5 pots of coffee everyday. What. The. Hell.

It was one thing at my old job when I was just making coffee for 2-3 people; I knew that I was the one closest to the pot and would most likely end up making all the coffee. But here, there are dozens of people on this floor, and it doesn’t make sense that hardly anyone can be bothered to make a friggin’ pot of coffee. I’ve actually seen the pot placed back on the heater with about 4 Tablespoons of coffee left in it. Pathetic.

3. People who work in cubicles forget basic scientific properties of the physical world. They apparently believe that 5.5 feet hollow chipboard cubicle walls, covered with a colored open-weave burlap-like material that makes me want to cross-stitch, are soundproof. That no one can hear their conversations, whether person-to-person or on the telephone, as long as they’re in a cubicle. An open-air cubicle. Even when they don’t bother to lower their voices, those cube walls are believed to be magical, like Adora’s sword that transforms her into She-Ra. Yeah, I know that came out of nowhere, but I spent the weekend sick and playing on the internet for entertainment; I watched a lot of 70s & 80s cartoons online. Sue me.

4. Chivalry and good manners are not completely dead, at least not at this company. I have never had so many men practically running to open & hold doors for me in my life; waiting for me to enter and exit elevators before they do. Even women will go out of their way to hold doors and elevators for others. It’s a nice thing to see basic human consideration being practiced. And isn’t it a sad commentary on today, that basic etiquette arouses such excitement in me?

5. I am working too quickly and efficiently, and must learn to slack off more. Everyone seems completely shocked that I have accomplished as much organization in the file room as I have, and apparently they all truly thought it would take much longer than it is. I… must… slow… down, and guarantee another nice full paycheck for this week. I am quite literally working myself out of a job with my hearty work habits, and that is a weird position to be in. The boss thinks this work will last out the week, and maybe another week. I think I’ll be done by Wednesday if I don’t affect a go-slow.

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

I hate effing birds that start chirping at effing 5 am right outside my effing window. It was still effing dark, and there that idiot was just chirping away, all by himself. Effing bird. There's two hours of sleep I won't get back. Today is gonna suck; I am super grouchy when I'm sleep deprived.